You’re going to get hurt in this relationship… Don’t get too involved… You’ve got to protect yourself…!
The relationship between the primary caregiver and the baby can create a secure, anxious, disorganised or AVOIDANT attachment style that will form a blueprint for relationships throughout the baby’s life.
Sometimes parents are largely mis-attuned, distant, or intrusive, they cause their children considerable distress. Adapting to this rejecting environment the child is building a defensive attachment strategy which is an attempt to feel safe, to modulate or tone down intense emotional states, and to relieve frustration and pain.
So the avoidant attached child learns early in life to suppress the natural desire to seek out a parent for comfort when frightened, distressed, or in pain.
The strategy for the child can be to not cry outwardly expressing their feelings, so that they are able to partially gratify at least one of their attachment needs, that of remaining close to a parent.
These children as adults (dismissively attached) will seek out relationships and enjoy spending time with their partner, BUT they may become uncomfortable when relationships get TOO CLOSE. FOR EXAMPLE perceiving their partners as “wanting too much” or being TOO clingy when their partner’s express a desire to be more emotionally close.
Fortunately, we don’t have to remain trapped within the confines of the defensive attachment strategies we developed early in life. There are many experiences throughout life that provide opportunities for personal growth and change.
In THERAPY we can walk through a process of creating a coherent narrative to help you build healthier, more secure attachments and strengthen your own sense of emotional resilience, rewire the brain to cultivate more security within and our relationship.
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